Wanna quote myself for my greatest point out of Colton Cowser (1-for-3 and his 4th homer, hitting .441) this previous preseason. I drafted a 15-team blended league staff in November, and took as my fifth outfielder, Colton Cowser, saying in my recap, “I reached slightly on Colton Cowser, however I do like him, if the Orioles make a commerce of Santander, Mountcastle, or another person. Cowser was prolly my worst decide.” And that’s me quoting me with simply utter stupidity! I’m howling at how dumb I’m. Truthfully, none of this works if I don’t maintain myself accountable. Did I like Cowser? Beloved him! Did I feel he’d be a starter in that outfield? Completely not. I put Cowser within the high 100 total final midseason. I instructed you final yr repeatedly how a lot I beloved Cowser. I mentioned:
Colton Cowser seems like a type of goofily-named meals that the Brits ship over right here.
“Would you want a Peek Frean?”
“No, they’re too critical for me.”
“Would you want a Curly Wurly?”
“No, my good, sir. I can’t have a Curly Wurly, they’re too disruptive on my tum-tum.”
“I see, I see, how a few Colton Cowser?”
“Are these the lavender-scented candies?”
“No, they’re hanging out an excessive amount of since their return from the MiLB IL, and Aaron Hicks is hitting an excessive amount of. There’s no room for Colton Cowser within the Orioles’ lineup.”
“Actually?”
“I child! After all, I need a Colton Cowser! I really like these lavender-scented laborious candies, and Cowser has massive energy, pace and will hit for a great common. Cowser simply obtained a Dan Pants lede — his Colton Cowser fantasy — and I hate doubling up, however I’m an all-day sucker for Colton Cowser. Anyway, right here’s what else I noticed this weekend in fantasy baseball:
Corbin Burnes – 5 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.28. For those who’re sleeping properly as an proprietor of Burnes, you’re taking Ambien or not paying consideration.
Ryan O’Hearn – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer. Not saying he’s good, however sitting in the course of the O’s lineup and O’Hearn is out there in every single place in blended leagues.
Christian Yelich – Sounds headed to the IL. Yelich appears like Pete Davidson, and his again has the timing of Pete Greatest. Joey Wiemer (0-for-3) was recalled from the minors, and he’s nothing greater than an NL-Solely man. Blake Perkins (3-for-4, 2 runs and 2nd homer, and 2nd homer within the final 4 video games) needs to be the one getting extra at-bats.
Colin Rea – 5 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.70. Brewers’ #2 starter is Colin Rea. Emoji forcing a smile because it burps.
William Contreras – 2-for-4 and a slam (4) and legs (1), hitting .375. He was one of the best catcher in baseball final yr, then was drafted after a minimum of three or 4 catchers. Will it occur once more subsequent yr if he repeats?
Spencer Strider – Underwent season-ending elbow surgical procedure. You lied to me Matthew Wilder! You mentioned nothing would break-a my Strider! So, he underwent an inside brace process fairly than Tommy John so A) He ought to return faster subsequent yr. B) Tommy John doesn’t get a nickel for lending his identify to the surgical procedure. C) There’s no C.
Charlie Morton – 5 2/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 5.29 vs. Jesus Luzardo – 5 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 7.65. This matchup was billed as, “Why didn’t I bench each of those schmohawks?”
Marcell Ozuna – 3-for-5, 4 RBIs and his seventh homer, hitting .373. Free in drafts.
Bryan De La Cruz – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer, hitting .284. De La Snooze with a wake-up name!
Max Meyer – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 hits, zero walks, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.12. This begin was vs. the Braves, in order that’s received my percolator percolating. Meyer’s no lemon? Inform me extra! He’s displaying glorious command (1.6 BB/9) and stable sufficient Ks. His whiffs on Saturday had been glorious. I’m going straight from intrigued to grabbing till additional discover.
Tanner Scott – 1 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 4.70 and his 1st blown save, file strikes to 0-3. Out of all the present closers, Tanner appears the least suited to the job. Horrible management, throws lefty, simply nothing, straight ineffective. Marlins additionally don’t actually have a stable setup man to switch him.
Nick Gordon – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his third homer. Nick Gordon on tempo for 32 homers, or the identical as Aaron Choose (1-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs, and third homer).
Yariel Rodriguez – 3 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks as he was recalled from the minors. Peering below the ocean and I catch a glimpse of a Cuban raftee, Yariel, a serious league pitcher on high, sporting a Blue Jays jersey, and a six-foot-long flipper on his backside. Yariel, you attractive Merman. He looks as if a pen arm the Jays try to get a starter out of. His previous few years in Japan had been used as a reliever, however he is likely to be higher as a starter than Bowden Francis, who was moved to the pen. Yariel labored a 96 MPH fastball, a nasty slider and what appeared like an over-the-top 85 MPH curve that was higher than marketed. In most blended leagues, I’m cyclops’ing till he’s stretched out, however might need worth past Streamonator, i.e., I favored what I noticed by the seashore for Yariel, the Merman.
Jose Berrios – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 1.05. Thanks, Battle Room!
Nick Lodolo – 5 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 1 stroll, 10 Ks as he was activated from the IL. Kevin from ESPN’s Get Him In Your Lineup Division mentioned, “You recognize these magic markers that scent like fruit? What occurs if you happen to eat one?”
Graham Ashcraft – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 4.15. Assume I’m simply going to stream pitchers vs. the White Sux.
Christian Encarnacion-Strand – 2-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 2nd homer, hitting .185. For those who’re not attempting to accumulate a man who’s hitting third each recreation with 70-grade energy in Cincy for his house video games, I don’t know what to let you know.
Jonathan India – 0-for-5, 1 run, 1 RBI because the Reds scored 11. Ticker tease!
Jake Fraley – 2-for-3, 3 runs, 3 steals (2, 3, 4), hitting .424. F’actually, Fraley?
Garrett Crochet – 4 2/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.57. Darn Crochet!
Nick Nastrini – Can be known as as much as begin tonight. He has a 7.71 ERA and a pair of.14 WHIP in Triple-A. Oh, he’s gonna slot in actual properly with the White Sox.
Sean Manaea – 3 2/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 4.30. The Regression Fairies have further zippers on their pants for present and they’ll destroy your ratios!
Jose Butto – 6 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 0.75. I nearly made him the lede at present, however I simply couldn’t dedicate 400 phrases to Joe Butt to finish at: Streamonator.
Alec Marsh – 5 IP, 4 ER, 6 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 4.32. Since it is a secure area, I’m gonna be sincere. I’m glad a few of these pitchers, who had been pitching above their head, are falling to earth. Sorry, however on the finish of the day, I’m a hater.
Cole Ragans – 6 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 1.93. However I can’t hate him into not being good OR CAN I…[pinches temples, squints real hard, farts and falls over]
Vinnie Pasquantino – 1-for-3 and his 2nd homer. Vinnie Pasketti going into the house of the obnoxious Italian man, Queens, and getting loud. Not cool, Vinnie.
Trea Turner – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. Did they applaud him earlier than the at-bat? Deal with Urner solely responds to optimistic affirmation.
Zack Wheeler – 5 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 3.00. Any time a pitcher who’s drafted earlier than the highest 30 is hit laborious, I set free a protracted ‘yeah, boi,’ and people are going to be few and much between now that there’s solely, like, two starters left nonetheless pitching who had been drafted early. All my vitriol left for Wheeler and Burnes.
Mitch Keller – 7 IP, 2 ER, 8 hits, zero walks, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.50. Gotta admit I’m unsure why you are worried about my preseason rankings once you drop guys after two begins.
Andrew McCutchen – 2-for-5, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and a slam (1) and legs (1). Should’ve been throwback day.
Jack Suwinski – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 2nd homer. He knocked a granny off Wheeler, which seems like a business for Life Alert.
Shota Imanaga – 5 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 0.00000000000000. Sleep with one eye open, Orel Hershiser.
Javier Assad – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.16. Don’t absolutely imagine in him but, and Streamonator hates his subsequent one, however I may see giving him a whirl.
Michael Busch – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his fifth homer. Possibly he’s only a sizzling schmotato, however generally “sizzling in April” turns into “nice for the entire season.”
Luis Castillo – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 hits, zero walks, 9 Ks, ERA at 5.82. Get your fingers in, I’m about to close the Purchase Low window.
Ryne Nelson – 6 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 5.27. I’ve a giant ol’ monocle on this man, however for now Streamonator.
Kenta Maeda – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 hits, zero walks, 5 Ks, ERA at 6.00. Sonavabench! His velocity was nonetheless dogshizz, however barely higher than previous weeks. His subsequent matchup is harder, so let’s hope he retains it going.
Javier Baez – 1-for-3 and his 1st homer. Caleb Thielbar allowed the homer to Baez, which suggests he has to now retire. Disgrace, however guidelines are guidelines.
Carlos Correa – Hit the IL with an indirect harm. Twins have to commerce for Eloy. He’d slot in so properly with their staff.
Simeon Woods Richardson – 6 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 5 Ks in his 1st begin, as a result of doubleheader, then was despatched again down. SWR can be again, and I’d stash him now in deeper leagues.
Joe Ryan – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 12 Ks, ERA at 2.60. I don’t need to rain on anybody’s parade, as a result of I really like Joe Ryan, however he was a high 5 starter final yr’s 1st half.
Bailey Ober – 6 IP, 0 ER, 3 hits, zero walks, 3 Ks, ERA at 6.57. BO stopped stinking, information at 11!
Griffin Jax – 2/3 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 1.35, and the blown save. You employ Jax in each gee-dee inning it’s no marvel he can’t concentrate on freakin’ closing!
Triston McKenzie – 4 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 6.23. Simply had a thought, if he had been on Survivor, he may begin a fireplace by rubbing his knees collectively. However he doesn’t want to try this on the mound, as a result of he’s already cooked.
Nestor Cortes – 4 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 4.50. Nestor did a fake-out pitch yesterday the place he pretended to be throwing the ball, and it’s simply so silly I find it irresistible:
NEW NESTOR CORTES MOVE UNLOCKED! pic.twitter.com/d90G8iQwAC
— MLB (@MLB) April 14, 2024
Ryan Pepiot – 5 IP, 4 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 5.40. Purchase low, snitches! For these of you who’ve him, uh, maintain low, snitches?
Rene Pinto – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 1st and 2nd homer. Pinto is straight jackin’ for beans!
Isaac Paredes – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his fifth homer. Disgrace nobody instructed you to draft him. Oh, wait, I did. Okay.
Michael Conforto – 1-for-4 and his 4th homer. Conforto holding the schmotato going robust!
Blake Snell – 4 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 12.86. Snell-oh-ell.
MacKenzie Gore – 5 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA at 2.81. [hearing the music for the Blue Oyster Bar] The A’ss received Gore’d! So, I received’t point out I wrote a MacKenzie Gore sleeper publish this yr, as a result of this was vs. the A’ss.
Lane Thomas – 3-for-5, 3 RBIs and a slam (2) and legs (7). There’s individuals who drafted him, and dropped him inside per week as a result of he didn’t begin sizzling sufficient.
Cody Bradford – Hit the IL with again soreness. Michael Lorenzen will take Bradford’s rotation spot, and if he’s good, Bradford’s getting Pipp’d.
Evan Carter – 1-for-4 and his 2nd homer. Anybody see Wyatt Langford not too long ago?
Ronel Blanco – 6 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 0.86. Nobody can resolve an issue known as Ronel.
Cristian Javier – 7 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 1.54. All of the complaints I made about Jose Berrios final yr? Purpose them at Javier.
Jose Altuve – 3-for-5, and a double slam (4, 5) and legs (1). Quick kings inherit the earth (and decrease the regulation basketball rim).
Nolan Schanuel – Out with a testicular contusion. [takes out the doctor’s chart for testicular contusion, torsion and ruptured, which is a plum with varying shades of red]
Brandon Drury – 2-for-4 and his 1st homer. With out doing any precise analysis, Drury is the kind to hit one homer then get sizzling for per week.
Tyler O’Neill – 2-for-3 and his seventh homer. If I had been Rob Manfred, and I noticed all these pitcher accidents, I’d lean in and unleash the bouncy baseballs. In associated information, Triston Casas (1-for-2) hit his 4th homer and Masataka Yoshida (1-for-3, 2 RBIs) hit his 1st.
Manny Machado – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 4th homer. Was approach too low cost in drafts. Disgrace on you (me too, however principally you).
James Paxton – 5 IP, 3 ER, 11 baserunners (8 BBs), 1 Okay, ERA at 2.81. Paxton giving up eight walks to 1 strikeout is so dogshizzy it’s humorous. Watched this recreation on ESPN and so they principally speak about all the pieces however the recreation. Had no concept Paxton was even pitching poorly.
Gavin Stone – 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 6.14. Humorous that individuals transfer ahead of their seat and are like, “Inform me extra about Gavin Stone,” however his Saturday opponent, Matt Waldron (5 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.14) was and has been higher vs. a harder lineup.
Bobby Miller – Hit the IL with shoulder soreness. The yr is 2033. There’s one pitcher in all of baseball. It’s Bartolo Colon, and he’s 60 years outdated and he throws 60 MPH. Colon is powered by Campfire Milkshakes, that at the moment are served at each ballpark to distract folks from the product on the sphere.
